I’m Still Here

1989, June 17th. I married a guy who I promised to live my life, joined as best friends and lovers, always. I promised to love him, honor him, for good times and bad.

He left me in 1997. He walked out already in a relationship with someone else. To say it crushed me would be to truly minimize it. I lost … half of my soul. My heart broke a thousand deaths every minute for years. I could no longer feel that love. I haven’t felt it since.

And I hear friends, family, passer-bys, stories in books and in the movies all say, “You have to move on.”

“You have to move on. You have to love again. You’ll find someone else. You deserve better.”

But….

What if I don’t want to move on? What if I don’t, truly, honestly, deep in my heart, don’t want to move on?” Does that make me wrong? Did I not promise to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of my life? And why do I have to let it go? Why? So people around me can feel better about themselves or their loves?

Unrequited by Mur4s4me

Unrequited by Mur4s4me

I heard a song the other day that just made me understand I’m not the only one out here. Some of us are good with spending the rest of our lives still in love with that one person. He didn’t let me down. I let him down. I hurt him in so many ways with my drug addiction. He tried to stay, tried to keep loving me, but I was a toxic waste site. And HE deserved better. He was right to walk away. Just as I am right in continuing my love for him.

We live in a throw-away society. PC breaks, toss it out. Phone dead, get a new one. We don’t fix anything. Do you remember there were shoe repair shops all over the place. Now, every town I pull into all look the same with the same strip malls with the same stores, over and over again. There is no more uniqueness anywhere in America. Everything not working is tossed out. Nothing is repairable. Nothing.

I live with a love in my heart for my husband and if my friends and family knew, I’d be shamed. They’d point and start up with the, “Move On” crap. I miss his smile, his jokes, his hands, and his smell. I miss our kisses and private language. I miss the perfect way we fit into each others bodies. I miss his little fingers and curly hair. I miss his silliness and mine back at him. Oh, how the hurt can still bring tears to my eyes and the weight upon my chest thinking about that man, my man, my breath and joy. Oh how it still hurts.

Move on. Yes, I have moved on. I don’t think of my husband like he’s, you know, coming back to me. Hell, I’m sure not the same person and I doubt he is, either. I am in love with a man from 18 yrs ago. That’s a long time. And though I don’t want to know the ‘new’ him, I wish he could know me now. Not to take me back, but to know that I have almost 18 yrs of clean and sober. That I’m funny, raise chickens, love my family and have good friends. That I turned out okay. That I live in a beautiful place and I am perfectly content. That I learned to mow my own lawn, deckhand on a charter boat, filleted 250 seabass by myself all summer long. I wish he could know I have a Captain’s License and I didn’t turn out a drug-raddled piece of shit.

I wish he could know how sorry I am that I spent all our money. That I let him have sex with another woman in our bed. That I was always chasing cocaine to be a superstar in my own mind. I am sorry. Sorry. So terribly ashamed.

I wish we could go back and I could see the future before I threw it all away. And I would be a good mother to my little kids…and I could read them stories, make cookies with them, and hold them close. I wish I could spin time to long, long ago and give them the childhood they truly, truly deserved. I would never have let my mom know my kids. I would not have let her buy our furniture and everything in the house was hers. Going to school put us in debt. Everything was all my fault. And though I’ve tried to make amends from my very soul…somethings just can’t be undone.

I am good, being here and staying in love with my husband. I might not be allowed to tell people how I feel, that I still feel my binding to him; but, it’s my life, my promises and my soul. No one gets that. It’s mine to carry.

I never share this with anyone. They don’t need to know. I have played my cards well and everyone knows I’m just single and date occasionally. I haven’t dated, ever, really. I’ve had guy friends, but I don’t let them get close…and I never will. I push them away long before they ever get a foothold in. I have a wall around me a thousand stories high. I am in love with my husband and always will be.

A few months ago, I dreamed he was in my bed. One of those half-awake moments; but, it really felt like he was holding me. I just nodded back to sleep and when I woke, it shook me up so deeply, I texted my daughter and told her about it.

I must point out I don’t live each day thinking about him. I can honestly say I go years without thinking about him. But, after hearing that song today, I also have to honestly say that I remain single because I do still love him. With all my heart, that young man is still in my heart and I want him to remain there. I want no one else.

I have Yahweh who stays with me day and night. I talk to Him and share with Him all my joys and sorrows. He holds me at night and carries me through the days. I am never alone with Him in my life.

Here’s the song I heard the other day. I am sharing it with any others out here who might need to read the words. The video is below.

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there’s just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Good Things, Pain and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s