Damn it! Another one of those days that comes and goes, then turns around and comes again. “Those” days are days when I’m in so flippin’ much pain, I can’t think. Pain does that, ya know. It takes away your thoughts, hopes, dreams, and agenda. It just picks them up in its greedy slimy hands and wrings it tighter screaming at your soul, “THERE, TAKE THAT!”
It’s Spring and for me that means mowing the lawn, breaking out the shovel, spade, and seedlings to sprinkle around my yard. It means looking for fun projects to do around the house (re-arranging furniture after spring cleaning), digging through photo albums for this year’s wall hanging. It means cleaning out the chicken coop and decorating it was fresh sawdust and using the poo for my soupy fertilizer. It means yoga outside on a warm sunny day, building a new mailbox post, painting the living room a new fresh color, or adding lighting to my front porch rail.
Spring means renewal of life, dormant bulbs popping out at different times to remind the planet it’s time to grow again. A big sniff near a creek and you’ll catch a whiff of Skunk Cabbage and you know all it as it should be.
Spring brings promise, hope, joy, and life. Unless, that is, if you’re in pain. I don’t mean whimpy headache pain. I mean SHUT THE FRONT DOOR pain. And believe me when I say, after weeks or months of exquisite pain, you will get PISSY. No, not pissy, I should’ve said you’ll get FUCKING PISSED ABOUT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE! YOU JUST WANT TO SCREAM!
I want so much to start my Spring projects. It’s my favorite time of year and I can barely mow my lawn. I want to make a chicken run so my stupidly ridiculous feathered egg hiders have to stay contained. No more poo in my driveway, front porch or back door welcome mat. I have a couple of great ideas on how I can contain them; the only thing stopping me is I can’t raise a hammer. Or, if I do manage to get it over my head, I can’t hang onto it. Lupus and Degenerative Disk issues in my neck and lower back have paralyzed my right hand. The Lupus is making every joint in my body feel (and I flippin’ mean this literally) like I’ve been run over by a car and then they backed up over me again.
Do you get what I’m saying? I can’t even hammer or screw two pieces of wood together! How crazy is THAT!!??!! When I’m severely limited on, well let’s face it, everything I need or want to do because of the pain or loss of use, I get so incredibly frustrated. Frustrated so overwhelmingly that I scream to relieve pressure in my soul.
I have been happily single for coming up on 18 yrs. I use to keep 3 or 4 ‘fuck’ buddies on standby for physical needs; however, since my ex-husband left in 1997, I just haven’t been interested in a partner. Even now, I dread the idea of not only looking for someone, but the whole courtship dance makes my skin crawl. I’m just not ready. The thing is, I can no longer handle life alone. I need help.
I don’t cook anymore. Even until a year ago, having a big fancy kitchen brought out some culinary interest, but not anymore. It’s too much work. It hurts too much to stand for long. Lifting a pot full of water – I’m terrified I’m either gonna drop it, or I can’t lift it at all and I have to fill it glass x glass. Cleaning up is even more daunting and won’t even bother you with that narrative.
I work as much as I can to pay my meager bills. I’ve learned how to work really hard for a month, save up and then slow down the next month so I can rest to do it all again the following month. My car has a bad water pump, the Lupus is attacking my teeth so this flare is putting 3 teeth into unbelievable cold sensitivity. My back window is taped up with cardboard. I’m piss-flat broke.
How did my life get so … low? Everything was wonderful. I loved working on the ocean from March to October; then in the woods Oct to March. I have a beautiful home, great friends, and some wonderful family. I have over $20K saved up to buy land for cash and build a cob home, permaculture landscape along with livestock. I had it all – job, dreams, goals, and familial love.
Yes, I’m loved. But my dreams are gone. I don’t even want any more goals. I don’t look for land anymore…what’s the point? I can’t even lift a flippin’ hammer.
And today, one of “THOSE” days is the bursting point. I’m irritated by just about any tiny thing…the wind pissing me off. The stairs piss me off. The damn tv volume won’t turn down. The paper dropped. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!
I hate pain. I wake to it, I bathe and dress and brush my teeth to it. I put on my clothes to it and I am just. fucking. sick. of. it.
I need help. I cannot keep it all going by myself anymore. And I don’t want to ask people for help. I’ve already leaned on every person I know and love, since acquiring Lupus & crushed nerves, that I refuse to ask. The needing help is what is going to push me over the edge, I think. Living with pain, no savings, no dreams, no time to go live life instead of just working to struggle through it, was really tough, but manageable. But the petulance and acrimony I’m starting to feel as a matter of course is just too much.
So, Cruel World, I thought I’d write it all down. I need to vent my frustration and since I do have a private little blog to rant and rave, I’m gonna just dump it all here and try to let it go.